Ive ALWAYS said I would breastfeed my children, even before that first positive pregnancy test came to be....
So when Kalvin came 6 weeks early, I immediately told the docs and nurses I wanted to pump for him. Unlike other moms, I couldnt hold him minutes after his birth and try. He was wisked away to the NICU after letting me get a quick glimpse of him. My epi had to wear of, and he had to have many tests done, so it was probably 24 hours before I could see him, and even longer till I could hold him and try to breastfeed. He spent 2 weeks in the NICU where all I did was pump at home and bring my expressed milk to my once a day visit to him where I attempted to feed him. I had to agree to bottle feeding because otherwise he could not be sent home.
When we arrived at home, I tried him at the breast at EVERY feed. For every unsuccessful latch, after 15 min of screaming, I would have to bottle feed him either what Ive pumped or formula if I didnt have enough stored. Then to keep up my supply I would pump. I felt like feeding and pumping was all I had time for in my day, and at night I did not get a wink of sleep... I cant remember how long I held on, but eventually I just gave up. It was too much. Feeding sessions were lasting 45 min to an hour, and he was eating in 2 to 3 hour increments. In my vision, BF would take 15-20 min and that would be it!
I did not have any good resources to help me keep going and I was just too tired. So when I was pregnant again, I thought... well as long as this baby makes it to full term, I can do this!! So my 40.2 weeker......
Im having the same problems ALL OVER AGAIN. But this time I have a toddler to worry about too. I do have more support in all my FB friends, and I realize I have resources at GBMC, and have called the warmline 2x already. However I am still not getting it. Last night I did not even go to sleep till 2am because I was pumping/bottlefeeding/breastfeeding and then she was hungry all over again before I got the chance to lay down! then she was up again at 3 and then 4! At 3 she was not interested in eating but at 4 she was.... I did NOT pump that time... so i had gone all night not pumping cuz I just wanted to sleep. She didnt wake up again till about quarter till 7....
I dont know how much longer I can go on like this to be honest. If it was this difficult in the beginning for my other BF mommas, please tell me how you managed? Especially those with a toddler at home with you? I truly still believe breast is best, but man those free samples of formula are calling my name (and my husbands name, for my sake of sleep!)
Lea, now would be a good time for you to join BaltimoreMommies and get some advice from many other moms in the same boat!! I personally did not do well with BFing, but I know there is a really good network on there for breastfeeding mamas. Check it out!
ReplyDeleteI know that breastfeeding is a tough thing. DJ and I struggled with it too. I made sure to eat lots of oatmeal and drink lots of Gatorade to help up my supply. I also used FenuGreek towards the end to help up my supply as it started to tank. Just go with your gut and what Chloe is telling you. I had a hard time getting all of the different nurse's advice out of my head. You'll be fine. Just take a deep breath and keep trying at it. I know how frustrating it is. I'm here if you need to vent.
ReplyDeleteUltimately, what's most important is a fed, healthy baby and a happy mom. Perhaps your expectations about breastfeeding were unrealistic in the beginning, but honestly if it's making you miserable and going to seriously cost you your sanity, then you aren't doing your baby any favors. Breastmilk is, of course, best. BUT, Chloe and Kalvin need their mommy to be sane and only MILDLY sleep-deprived (as opposed to grossly, obscenely sleep-deprived) in order to be the best mommy she can be. I do believe that a lot of women give up on it so early because they just had unrealistic expectations and they just can't tolerate the disruption in their lives - but I don't think that's you at all. Make the decision that's right for YOU, while also keeping in mind that the first 2-4 weeks are the HARDEST by far. You're a good mom - trust your gut, like Lisa said.
ReplyDeleteI had read your comment a long time ago Megan, I kinda understand what you are talking about, but I dont think I had unrealistic expectations... although I did hope it would come easier with a full term baby.... I do know what ya mean tho.... man.... I still sometimes wish I didnt give up, but She was hungry all night long, all day long and I felt like because of my struggles Kal was acting up, when I wasnt trying to breast feed I was trying to pump, or trying to feed her the pumped milk (that was barely there) so it was like I spent very little time with Kal and it was showing in his behavior.... i dont know.... oh well though....
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