Sometimes you just need to vent

I can't help myself today.  I have to vent.  Its been one of those days.  Ive been tired ALL day.  I know most woman envy that I can be a stay at home mom and spend all day with my children and watch them grow.  I KNOW I am blessed with 2 beautiful children and I am soooo happy for that.  HOWEVER.  Today. I can't help but be frsutrated.  Today being home all day long with my children is more of a curse than anything.  I cant put Chloe down for one second today without her crying, altho she did sleep for almost an hour, it was while Kal was awake... when it was time to put Kal down for nap she was obviously tired and fell asleep on her own in her swing (it wasnt even moving at the time)  She started to wake up a bit so I move her to her bassinet, I am cleaning the kitchen which MAJORLY needs it, and I can hear her screaming.  I think I went in there about 10 times before I gave in and tried to feed her (it was close to 3 hours but not exactly since she had her last feeding)  I STILL hadnt had anything to eat for lunch for myself..... but i sit down and feed her and she drinks maybe an ounce and a half before she goes ballistic again and doenst stop.  I HAD to just put her in her bassinet and let her cry.  She is STILL crying as I type this.  I dont know what she wants, but WHY is it when I NEED some peace and quiet I DONT GET IT.  when I have NOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING to do she sleeps 3 hours straight.

Ok I am done complaining... lol.  Deep Breath..... might need to pop in an Aleve before I go back and get her tho!

Shadows

OMG.  We just experienced one of the biggest meltdowns of our 3 year old life today.....

So obviously I am speaking of Kalvin here.  So here is how the evening rolled.  Chloe got her bath in her tub, then when I got her dressed Kal helped himself and jumped in HER bathtub... lol... Well, I was planning on giving him a bath next anyway, so I got him out of the baby bath and got his bath started.... in the bath he was squirting me with a water gun, and I kept saying owww... so he tells me you dont have boo boo!  I said I do, and showed him a cut I had on my finger, which prompted him to INSIST on getting me a bandaid!  Then he was pretending to be a dog and give doggie kisses on my shoulder..... Anyway... when it was time to get out he jumps on out, runs out the door stark naked an no towel and starts acting goofy... runs back in the bathroom and shouts.... then runs out and keeps shouting and giggling after he shouts.... jumps ON the couch and jumps on the top of the couch.  I told him to stop that because I didnt want him to fall and get hurt.  Well.... he did it a few more times anyway.... then ALL of a sudden he started to cry... I mean total meltdown crying.  Tears streaming.......

He tells me... MY HAIR SCARY!  (his hair was sticking out everywhere still from his bath, and I guess he saw his shadow on the window curtains.....) I asked him if he was scared of the shadows and he said yes.  I told him they were JUST SHADOWS that they were HIS and could not hurt him, but he just continued to wale and wale and wale.

I have NO idea how this came about..... but I kinda laughed at first..... (BAD MOMMY!)  because it was kinda funny in a way.... but he just kept crying and crying even more so I gained my composure and tried to calm him..... Greg kinda didnt help either, he was playing madden at the time and kept yelling at him to stop crying and not to be scared but that didnt help!  It was a mess....  then he said he wanted his hair cut..... wow it was something else... I really wish I knew what brought this on..............

I felt so bad that I stayed in this room tonight till he fell asleep......

I am a worrywart

I am blogging because Facebook is acting goofy and there was noone online to talk to in order to pass my time away and possibly keep me sane while I sit here and wonder what the reason is that Greg is not home yet, not answering his cell, and not at his work desk.  He could be in a meeting and therefore no reason to worry but he usually is off work by 4pm and its 520 and if he is in a meeting it was last minute because yesterday I knew AHEAD of time, like the day before.... that he would not get out of work till 5.  Today, I have NO idea whats going on and at this point its PAST 5 too.  I do not know what to do right now for I am about to lose my marbles.......

Sometimes I just don't know what to do....

Chloe has to have a follow up at the pediatrician because of her hospital stay, and because Kal got sick after, he is gonna be examined as well... even though he is looking much better today.

I told that to Greg and told him what time the appointment was, and that since it was for the both of them and because of an illness I would like him to come with me.  He would have to leave work about 2 hours (maybe 2 1/2) early based on the appt time we have, but when I told him about it I thought he said he would take us.

I somehow misread that to be he would take us if we had NO other way to get there.... then even made a remark about how its close enough to walk and I walk to other places nearby....

I feel like total shit cuz I was the one that spent 48 straight hours in the hospital with Chloe, all I wanted was him to be present for her follow up at the doctors office instead of Gregs mom or dad or grandparents and I thought he understood that.... but he doesnt seem to want to use 2 hours of leave to be there with me.  AND to add to it all, Gregs mom seemed to make a  remark to the fact that when he is the ONLY worker in the household....  (so another words he cant afford to lose 2 hours of work... (forget the fact that there is a thing called paid leave, or the fact that they let you make up time if you dont wanna use it, and its only 2 hours....)

But maybe I am being unreasonable and since I made the choice to be the stay at home mom I ALONE should make all the sacrifices dealing with the children and he NEVER should be a part of it.  He has not gone to one of Chloes appts since her very first one and heck if I can remember the last time he came with me for one of Kalvins.

Sue me for wanting Greg to be a part of ONE of the many thousands of appts to come for the kids.......................... :/

Looooooooong Time no Blog.....

Ok, So I know its been a WHILE.  Ive been busy/tired/etc....

So...  I decided to blog about my holiday weekend experience... most of you that I know read this have probably already been told what happened, but I decided to write about it anyway.

So Friday night, Chloe was being really fussy about eating all night... she also woke up at 2am really fussy but wouldnt eat.... (she normally sleeps through now).  At 6am she would not eat but 1 oz for Greg.  At 9 she only drank 1.5 oz for me and while I was holding her I noticed she felt alarmingly warm.

Upon checking her temp, it read 101.4, so I called the pediatricians emergency off hours number... being her age  was under 3 months, the doctor told us to go to the ER.

We arrive at the ER at 1030ish and the nurses there tell me that she will need to get a urinalysis, blood drawn, and a spinal tap to rule out any really bad life threatening diseases right off the bat when she is admitted, and that she will need to be monitored in the hospital for 48 hours with antibiotics (to be on the safe side) to when at the 48 hour point if all the tests are negative and she is otherwise healthy they will chalk it up to some bug and send us home....

So my memorial day weekend was spent with her at the pediatric emergency unit..... well, Greg stayed home with Kalvin, and took him to his great uncle Mikes house to swim saturday night, and Greg and Kal came to see us Sunday morning, and then Greg took Kal to uncle Mikes Memorial Day picnic that day.... Well... at 6pm sunday, Greg tells me that Kal slept on their couch for 2-3 hours there (he NEVER naps at other peoples homes normally!)  and when he woke up he cried and cried and asked to go home and go to bed....  when Greg got home he called me and told me Kal had a temp of 100.8 and then when Kal woke up it climbed to 102.0 even with tylenol.  

Back to Chloe... This morning I got the word from the doctor that all tests came back normal and that Chloe was free to go home.  Kal's temp was down but he was still not at his 100% energy level.  Gregs brother John watched Kal while Greg picked up Chloe and I at the hospital....

When I first got home, Kals temp seemed fine but he was obviously at 50-75% energy level compared to his normal bouncy self.  Just an hour ago though... temp back up to 102.0.  :(

What a lovely memorial day weekend we are having right?  I am just very thankful Chloe's fever was nothing serious and we are all home together!  We may be spending Memorial Day in the house, but it certainly beats the 2 days I spent in the hospital over the weekend!

My Adventure into Breastfeeding

Ive ALWAYS said I would breastfeed my children, even before that first positive pregnancy test came to be....

So when Kalvin came 6 weeks early, I immediately told the docs and nurses I wanted to pump for him.  Unlike other moms, I couldnt hold him minutes after his birth and try.  He was wisked away to the NICU after letting me get a quick glimpse of him.  My epi had to wear of, and he had to have many tests done, so it was probably 24 hours before I could see him, and even longer till I could hold him and try to breastfeed.  He spent 2 weeks in the NICU where all I did was pump at home and bring my expressed milk to my once a day visit to him where I attempted to feed him.  I had to agree to bottle feeding because otherwise he could not be sent home.

When we arrived at home, I tried him at the breast at EVERY feed.  For every unsuccessful latch, after 15 min of screaming, I would have to bottle feed him either what Ive pumped or formula if I didnt have enough stored.  Then to keep up my supply I would pump. I felt like feeding and pumping was all I had time for in my day, and at night I did not get a wink of sleep... I cant remember how long I held on, but eventually I just gave up.  It was too much.  Feeding sessions were lasting 45 min to an hour, and he was eating in 2 to 3 hour increments.  In my vision, BF would take 15-20 min and that would be it!

I did not have any good resources to help me keep going and I was just too tired.  So when I was pregnant again, I thought... well as long as this baby makes it to full term, I can do this!!  So my 40.2 weeker......

Im having the same problems ALL OVER AGAIN.  But this time I have a toddler to worry about too.  I do have more support in all my FB friends, and I realize I have resources at GBMC, and have called the warmline 2x already.  However I am still not getting it.  Last night I did not even go to sleep till 2am because I was pumping/bottlefeeding/breastfeeding and then she was hungry all over again before I got the chance to lay down!  then she was up again at 3 and then 4!  At 3 she was not interested in eating but at 4 she was.... I did NOT pump that time... so i had gone all night not pumping cuz I just wanted to sleep.  She didnt wake up again till about quarter till 7....

I dont know how much longer I can go on like this to be honest.  If it was this difficult in the beginning for my other BF mommas, please tell me how you managed?  Especially those with a toddler at home with you?  I truly still believe breast is best, but man those free samples of  formula are calling my name (and my husbands name, for my sake of sleep!)

......and baby make 4

I have been wanting to write in this blog since coming home from the hospital on Thursday but there NEVER seems to be a good time to do so!!!!   I am either busy or tired.  Feeding or pumping.  Eating or caring for my certain ailments caused by the pregnancy.  Changing a diaper or putting a tired baby back to sleep.  Going BACK to the hospital 2x for lab tests for Chloe and her Biliruben .  Dealing with Kal and his regressing issues (altho I have help with his dad on that one).  At least I am not cooking.  My mom or Greg have been doing that.  And since my mom is such a neat freak, she has done all the cleaning.

We had a full house of visitors today.  Great Pop and Nana Jordan, Poppop and Mommom, Great Uncle Sam and 3rd cousin Jayden (Kals age).  They had a blast playing together.  I should talk to his mom and have her come over here more often so they can play together.

Anyway,  adjusting to this new family of 4 thing is not going to be very easy.  Not that I expected it to be or anything but OMG this week has been crazy.

First of all, I've been having trouble with the breastfeeding endeavor.  Chloe was rooting but not opening her mouth wide enough, and KILLING my nipples in the process.  We would fight each other with the latch for 15-20 min OR MORE, all the while her getting angrier and angrier and just flailing her legs about and FREAKING out.  Nothing I tried seemed to work.  She wasnt eating well AT ALL the last few days and her poops have dwindled.  I was frustrated because with all the crazy things we had to do, like get those blood tests for example, we would get so behind on feedings.

I used past tense on the last paragraph because tonight we had a breakthrough!  Called GBMC warmline dispite my usual anxiety to call strange people on the phone especially to admit I need help with something..... She gave me some tips, I followed them, and BOOM!  Chloe fed from each breast for a good 15 min or more with a COMFORTABLE latch!!!!  I was only gonna do one side, but she woke up 15 min after setting her down and was rooting again.

Basically what the specialist told me to do, was use my finger as a way to help open her mouth wider, and use either expressed milk or formula in a special syringe they gave me at the hospital to drip into her mouth to simulate that the milk is coming and therefore giving her some instant gratification and encouraging to continue to suck.   Well, its only the FIRST time, but it worked for EACH breast this time around!! OH BTW... nipples are tingling and have some wetness on my night shirt.  Those are both good milk coming in signs right? :)

Now to Kalvin.  Just as I thought, he is regressing BIG time.  He keeps stealing Chloes binky saying MINE. (he never liked the binky before)  He sits in her baby swing (that used to be his.. oops.. lol)  Yesterday I was in my sitz bath on the toilet... Kal comes in the bathroom and said "I Poop".  I thought he meant he NEEDED to poop so I said hold on and let me finish up here and you can go and he said "NO" and then I smelt it.  He had ALREADY GONE!  UGH!  So Greg changed him and I could hear Kal in his room making crying noises like the baby.  GREAT.  Well Greg did his thing to teach him he cant do that... told him it was time for bed (it was anyway) talked to him a bit more and told him good night.

Now i was REALLY mad at this point....still sitting on the sitz bath I could hear Kal asking for "mommy hug kiss" though, so I was like ok, well I will go in in a few and give him a talk.  So I went in, told him how he was a big boy and he is supposed to poop in the POTTY.  That mommy is so proud of him that he knows how to do that and that Chloe is a baby and DOEST know how to  go on a potty and mommy is just happy she is pooping cuz she knows Chloe is eating enough.  I told him that mommy would rather Kalvin tell mommy he had to use the potty and she would be happy to give him some one on one attention to take him and help him go, but if he does it in his pants, mommy would not be happy.  And he repeated alot of what I said ( like I big boy!) and then asked for his hug and kiss.  I was sitting on my knees and he was standing/  He laid his head on my shoulder and gave me a long hug.  And then my tears started to flow.  LIKE the realization that he ws no longer my baby anymore just hit me like a ton of bricks.  He can put his head on my shoulder while STANDING if I am kneeling to the ground.  Visions of me rocking Kal to sleep when he was Chloe's size came flowing back.   Now he can comprehend what I am telling him and repeat my words back to me.  He is about my kneeling height already....  Where did the time go??  UGH to the females hormones!!!!

I know this is getting long, but one more thing.  Ive noticed lots of my friends blogs, they tend to come up with funny names for their children.  Well.... one that I have been calling Chloe lately stems from how she cries when she is REALLY frustrated.  She literally squeals then snorts.  Yea.... so I have been calling her Lil Miss Piggy.  Kal, well everyone in our family already calls him Superman... some of you already know the reason for that.  So, to follow everyones footsteps, I may start referring to Kalvin as Superman, and Chloe as Miss Piggy... lol :)