Completely Bummed

I am having one of my worst mommy days in my 3+ years as a mommy.  Kal fights to go to bed most nights, but eventually after a story and all of that, all goes smoothly...

Tonight not one of those nights, however tonight it was rather worse than normal..... its all dealing with that first born.... for whatever reason, lately he has been insisting on daddy doing the story reading instead of me, but normally I can convince him if Greg doesnt want to do it.... Greg wanted to feed Chloe so thats what he was doing when I convinced Kal to read a story with me instead of Daddy.  We were done with the story and I was waiting for Kals stall techniques (the potty...water... etc...)  instead he just goes straight to "I want daddy"  I knew daddy wasnt done feeding Chloe... so I tell Kal lets go potty first... no... DADDY.... DADDY DADDY No matter what I did thats all he said.... then the asking for daddy turned into cries for daddy, I yelled (i know that was a bad idea as I did it)  then I finally got him to go potty and he brushed his teeth... at this point he was just crying and crying..... so daddy was finally done with Chloe and he came in for Kals hug and kiss and I gave him his hug and kiss and he said I love you to us both and we leave and watch TV.

Well an hour or so later he is up crying.  Daddy goes in and cannot console him.  I think whatever he did may have made him cry more..... so I think maybe he wants me.  Maybe I can calm him,  At first I thought it was going to work.  It appeared he was calming down.  I told him I would stay with him a little and he said... No, leave!  whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?  I just couldnt believe he had said that.  So I said ok I will leave, goodnight and I love you Kalvin.  I love u too mommy.... he says... I leave....... minutes later I sweaaaaaaar i hear him calling moooommy mommmmy.... so I go back in.... I tell him ok do you want me to stay now?  noooo LEAVE!  he says and he is crying as he says this to me... WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG TODAY???? WHAT WAS GOING ON IN HIS HEAD TONIGHT?????  SO I was at my wits end and I screamed I am gonna pull my hair out over this!!!  Greg comes in and picks Kal up and tells him, fine come out here and lay with me (in the living room).   I swear I saw this huge SMIRK on my childs face... WTF?

UGH I seriously have NOOOOOOOOOOOO idea what just happened..... :(

Sometimes you just need to vent

I can't help myself today.  I have to vent.  Its been one of those days.  Ive been tired ALL day.  I know most woman envy that I can be a stay at home mom and spend all day with my children and watch them grow.  I KNOW I am blessed with 2 beautiful children and I am soooo happy for that.  HOWEVER.  Today. I can't help but be frsutrated.  Today being home all day long with my children is more of a curse than anything.  I cant put Chloe down for one second today without her crying, altho she did sleep for almost an hour, it was while Kal was awake... when it was time to put Kal down for nap she was obviously tired and fell asleep on her own in her swing (it wasnt even moving at the time)  She started to wake up a bit so I move her to her bassinet, I am cleaning the kitchen which MAJORLY needs it, and I can hear her screaming.  I think I went in there about 10 times before I gave in and tried to feed her (it was close to 3 hours but not exactly since she had her last feeding)  I STILL hadnt had anything to eat for lunch for myself..... but i sit down and feed her and she drinks maybe an ounce and a half before she goes ballistic again and doenst stop.  I HAD to just put her in her bassinet and let her cry.  She is STILL crying as I type this.  I dont know what she wants, but WHY is it when I NEED some peace and quiet I DONT GET IT.  when I have NOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING to do she sleeps 3 hours straight.

Ok I am done complaining... lol.  Deep Breath..... might need to pop in an Aleve before I go back and get her tho!

Shadows

OMG.  We just experienced one of the biggest meltdowns of our 3 year old life today.....

So obviously I am speaking of Kalvin here.  So here is how the evening rolled.  Chloe got her bath in her tub, then when I got her dressed Kal helped himself and jumped in HER bathtub... lol... Well, I was planning on giving him a bath next anyway, so I got him out of the baby bath and got his bath started.... in the bath he was squirting me with a water gun, and I kept saying owww... so he tells me you dont have boo boo!  I said I do, and showed him a cut I had on my finger, which prompted him to INSIST on getting me a bandaid!  Then he was pretending to be a dog and give doggie kisses on my shoulder..... Anyway... when it was time to get out he jumps on out, runs out the door stark naked an no towel and starts acting goofy... runs back in the bathroom and shouts.... then runs out and keeps shouting and giggling after he shouts.... jumps ON the couch and jumps on the top of the couch.  I told him to stop that because I didnt want him to fall and get hurt.  Well.... he did it a few more times anyway.... then ALL of a sudden he started to cry... I mean total meltdown crying.  Tears streaming.......

He tells me... MY HAIR SCARY!  (his hair was sticking out everywhere still from his bath, and I guess he saw his shadow on the window curtains.....) I asked him if he was scared of the shadows and he said yes.  I told him they were JUST SHADOWS that they were HIS and could not hurt him, but he just continued to wale and wale and wale.

I have NO idea how this came about..... but I kinda laughed at first..... (BAD MOMMY!)  because it was kinda funny in a way.... but he just kept crying and crying even more so I gained my composure and tried to calm him..... Greg kinda didnt help either, he was playing madden at the time and kept yelling at him to stop crying and not to be scared but that didnt help!  It was a mess....  then he said he wanted his hair cut..... wow it was something else... I really wish I knew what brought this on..............

I felt so bad that I stayed in this room tonight till he fell asleep......

I am a worrywart

I am blogging because Facebook is acting goofy and there was noone online to talk to in order to pass my time away and possibly keep me sane while I sit here and wonder what the reason is that Greg is not home yet, not answering his cell, and not at his work desk.  He could be in a meeting and therefore no reason to worry but he usually is off work by 4pm and its 520 and if he is in a meeting it was last minute because yesterday I knew AHEAD of time, like the day before.... that he would not get out of work till 5.  Today, I have NO idea whats going on and at this point its PAST 5 too.  I do not know what to do right now for I am about to lose my marbles.......

Sometimes I just don't know what to do....

Chloe has to have a follow up at the pediatrician because of her hospital stay, and because Kal got sick after, he is gonna be examined as well... even though he is looking much better today.

I told that to Greg and told him what time the appointment was, and that since it was for the both of them and because of an illness I would like him to come with me.  He would have to leave work about 2 hours (maybe 2 1/2) early based on the appt time we have, but when I told him about it I thought he said he would take us.

I somehow misread that to be he would take us if we had NO other way to get there.... then even made a remark about how its close enough to walk and I walk to other places nearby....

I feel like total shit cuz I was the one that spent 48 straight hours in the hospital with Chloe, all I wanted was him to be present for her follow up at the doctors office instead of Gregs mom or dad or grandparents and I thought he understood that.... but he doesnt seem to want to use 2 hours of leave to be there with me.  AND to add to it all, Gregs mom seemed to make a  remark to the fact that when he is the ONLY worker in the household....  (so another words he cant afford to lose 2 hours of work... (forget the fact that there is a thing called paid leave, or the fact that they let you make up time if you dont wanna use it, and its only 2 hours....)

But maybe I am being unreasonable and since I made the choice to be the stay at home mom I ALONE should make all the sacrifices dealing with the children and he NEVER should be a part of it.  He has not gone to one of Chloes appts since her very first one and heck if I can remember the last time he came with me for one of Kalvins.

Sue me for wanting Greg to be a part of ONE of the many thousands of appts to come for the kids.......................... :/

Looooooooong Time no Blog.....

Ok, So I know its been a WHILE.  Ive been busy/tired/etc....

So...  I decided to blog about my holiday weekend experience... most of you that I know read this have probably already been told what happened, but I decided to write about it anyway.

So Friday night, Chloe was being really fussy about eating all night... she also woke up at 2am really fussy but wouldnt eat.... (she normally sleeps through now).  At 6am she would not eat but 1 oz for Greg.  At 9 she only drank 1.5 oz for me and while I was holding her I noticed she felt alarmingly warm.

Upon checking her temp, it read 101.4, so I called the pediatricians emergency off hours number... being her age  was under 3 months, the doctor told us to go to the ER.

We arrive at the ER at 1030ish and the nurses there tell me that she will need to get a urinalysis, blood drawn, and a spinal tap to rule out any really bad life threatening diseases right off the bat when she is admitted, and that she will need to be monitored in the hospital for 48 hours with antibiotics (to be on the safe side) to when at the 48 hour point if all the tests are negative and she is otherwise healthy they will chalk it up to some bug and send us home....

So my memorial day weekend was spent with her at the pediatric emergency unit..... well, Greg stayed home with Kalvin, and took him to his great uncle Mikes house to swim saturday night, and Greg and Kal came to see us Sunday morning, and then Greg took Kal to uncle Mikes Memorial Day picnic that day.... Well... at 6pm sunday, Greg tells me that Kal slept on their couch for 2-3 hours there (he NEVER naps at other peoples homes normally!)  and when he woke up he cried and cried and asked to go home and go to bed....  when Greg got home he called me and told me Kal had a temp of 100.8 and then when Kal woke up it climbed to 102.0 even with tylenol.  

Back to Chloe... This morning I got the word from the doctor that all tests came back normal and that Chloe was free to go home.  Kal's temp was down but he was still not at his 100% energy level.  Gregs brother John watched Kal while Greg picked up Chloe and I at the hospital....

When I first got home, Kals temp seemed fine but he was obviously at 50-75% energy level compared to his normal bouncy self.  Just an hour ago though... temp back up to 102.0.  :(

What a lovely memorial day weekend we are having right?  I am just very thankful Chloe's fever was nothing serious and we are all home together!  We may be spending Memorial Day in the house, but it certainly beats the 2 days I spent in the hospital over the weekend!

My Adventure into Breastfeeding

Ive ALWAYS said I would breastfeed my children, even before that first positive pregnancy test came to be....

So when Kalvin came 6 weeks early, I immediately told the docs and nurses I wanted to pump for him.  Unlike other moms, I couldnt hold him minutes after his birth and try.  He was wisked away to the NICU after letting me get a quick glimpse of him.  My epi had to wear of, and he had to have many tests done, so it was probably 24 hours before I could see him, and even longer till I could hold him and try to breastfeed.  He spent 2 weeks in the NICU where all I did was pump at home and bring my expressed milk to my once a day visit to him where I attempted to feed him.  I had to agree to bottle feeding because otherwise he could not be sent home.

When we arrived at home, I tried him at the breast at EVERY feed.  For every unsuccessful latch, after 15 min of screaming, I would have to bottle feed him either what Ive pumped or formula if I didnt have enough stored.  Then to keep up my supply I would pump. I felt like feeding and pumping was all I had time for in my day, and at night I did not get a wink of sleep... I cant remember how long I held on, but eventually I just gave up.  It was too much.  Feeding sessions were lasting 45 min to an hour, and he was eating in 2 to 3 hour increments.  In my vision, BF would take 15-20 min and that would be it!

I did not have any good resources to help me keep going and I was just too tired.  So when I was pregnant again, I thought... well as long as this baby makes it to full term, I can do this!!  So my 40.2 weeker......

Im having the same problems ALL OVER AGAIN.  But this time I have a toddler to worry about too.  I do have more support in all my FB friends, and I realize I have resources at GBMC, and have called the warmline 2x already.  However I am still not getting it.  Last night I did not even go to sleep till 2am because I was pumping/bottlefeeding/breastfeeding and then she was hungry all over again before I got the chance to lay down!  then she was up again at 3 and then 4!  At 3 she was not interested in eating but at 4 she was.... I did NOT pump that time... so i had gone all night not pumping cuz I just wanted to sleep.  She didnt wake up again till about quarter till 7....

I dont know how much longer I can go on like this to be honest.  If it was this difficult in the beginning for my other BF mommas, please tell me how you managed?  Especially those with a toddler at home with you?  I truly still believe breast is best, but man those free samples of  formula are calling my name (and my husbands name, for my sake of sleep!)