Im not sure what to call this...

I am not sure if I plan to publish this to Facebook or not.  Or make it public, but I just need to ramble on for a moment.  Before I get into whats on my mind, I will say, this issue is a big hot issue in today's society and by blogging about it IN NO WAY am I trying to start a debate.  Im not trying to argue with anyone.  Maybe you have an idea where this is going, maybe you do not.... but lets say I am pretty certain I have a lot of liberal FB connections/friends that would argue this topic to the bone with me if we began it..... yet here I am.... I can't help but write about it today....

Anyway....  I am a 32 year old married woman, who didnt have her first kid till 28. I had my second at 31.  Those kids were mostly somewhat planned out.  I am pregnant with #3.  Now, I hate admitting this because alone admitting to this makes me feel like a horrible person but.... I did not want 3 kids.  Especially after getting one boy and one girl right after the other.  I was happy with 2.  we were planning on a more permanent BC method before this happened.... Financially I felt we are going to struggle with 3 kids. Emotionally and Physically I felt like I am gonna be overwhelmed with 3.  I was scared and unhappy through most of the 1st trimester.  I didnt even post to FB till week 13 (which I know most people wait till after the 1st trimester anyway, but... I wasn't really ecstatic about it even when I did announce it and everyone was congratulating me.

We had an ultrasound to date the pregnancy though at around week 9.  On the ultrasound the baby looked like a blob.  However the tech pointed out the beating heart.  I could see 4 chambers.  I could see it throbbing.  My worry started to go away around then.  It was still there, but already I started to fall in love.

Yesterday I found out the gender.  I know its a boy now.  In the 45 minute to hour long ultrasound appointment I watched the baby moving his arms and legs.  He sucked his thumb.  He covered his face with his hands.  he "yawned".  He even was grabbing his privates at one point... (*giggles like a middle schooler*) at 18 weeks you could see his eyes (looked like eye sockets obviously on a 2d ultrasound) his spine, his arms, hands, fingers.... my worry has almost completely gone away now and I am completely in love with that separate individual human being growing inside of me.

Anyway, I assume you can imagine what topic I am thinking about now. The whole, pro-choice vs pro-life debate.  My ONLY question to anyone that sides with the former is... how can you see this life growing, and still argue that its the womans body and its her choice? It is a completely separate body from the woman... it just needs the womans body to grow.  How is that different from your baby outside the womb that needs you to change his diaper, feed him, wash him and clothe him?  The baby whether in or out of the womb, cant say I want to live or die... yet our society says as long as its still in the mothers womb, its safe to end its life...  I really don't know... I really am not looking for anyone to "answer" me.  I don't want opinions or debates.  I guess my pregnancy hormones and guilt for initially not wanting this pregnancy are getting my emotions all riled up.  I dont know.

4 day trial in single with 2 kids life

Greg just left for a 4 day work trip.  Not too happy today.  Ravens fans can't shut their trap about the Steelers losing but all I care about is how I'm going to handle the  next 4 days alone... Will update how kalvin is tonight!

Bedtime Battles

Tonight has been one of those nights.  When I talk struggles, its with the 3 yr old, not the baby.  She is easy.

First of all... Bedtime started about a full hour after I wanted it to.  9pm.  So... At 8 I gave Chloe a bottle and settled her to bed.  Greg was watching Family Guy... (That's a whole other can of worms that I don't want to open tonight) and Kal wanted to watch with him. I decided I'd let Kal go till 9.  Warned him at 845 and already the whines begin.

Finally I say let's go brush our teeth.  Our current ritual is all 3 of us brush together.  Here is where trouble starts.  We can't find his superman cup, and while Kal and I search, daddy put the toothpaste on Kal's toothbrush.  Kal freaks out and rubs the paste off... And the battle begins.  Kal put the toothpaste on his brush (using too much) and tried to insist on doing daddys too (idk who did mine since there was so much commotion.. but it wasn't me)  and daddy said No.  And that's where the reeeaaallll drama began. Our bathroom is a hop away from the bedrooms.  Kal whined, daddy yelled. Kal whined some more... Chloe wakes crying.  Mommy is now mad. 

Is the toothpaste on the brush battle worth all the screaming? If I were alone, I'd probably have let him do it.  Is that bad?  Am I not teaching proper dicipline by not telling him no? Or could Greg have let that one go? Maybe I let too many go? IDK...

I hate ending a night pissed off and frustrated.  Blah....

Completely Bummed

I am having one of my worst mommy days in my 3+ years as a mommy.  Kal fights to go to bed most nights, but eventually after a story and all of that, all goes smoothly...

Tonight not one of those nights, however tonight it was rather worse than normal..... its all dealing with that first born.... for whatever reason, lately he has been insisting on daddy doing the story reading instead of me, but normally I can convince him if Greg doesnt want to do it.... Greg wanted to feed Chloe so thats what he was doing when I convinced Kal to read a story with me instead of Daddy.  We were done with the story and I was waiting for Kals stall techniques (the potty...water... etc...)  instead he just goes straight to "I want daddy"  I knew daddy wasnt done feeding Chloe... so I tell Kal lets go potty first... no... DADDY.... DADDY DADDY No matter what I did thats all he said.... then the asking for daddy turned into cries for daddy, I yelled (i know that was a bad idea as I did it)  then I finally got him to go potty and he brushed his teeth... at this point he was just crying and crying..... so daddy was finally done with Chloe and he came in for Kals hug and kiss and I gave him his hug and kiss and he said I love you to us both and we leave and watch TV.

Well an hour or so later he is up crying.  Daddy goes in and cannot console him.  I think whatever he did may have made him cry more..... so I think maybe he wants me.  Maybe I can calm him,  At first I thought it was going to work.  It appeared he was calming down.  I told him I would stay with him a little and he said... No, leave!  whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?  I just couldnt believe he had said that.  So I said ok I will leave, goodnight and I love you Kalvin.  I love u too mommy.... he says... I leave....... minutes later I sweaaaaaaar i hear him calling moooommy mommmmy.... so I go back in.... I tell him ok do you want me to stay now?  noooo LEAVE!  he says and he is crying as he says this to me... WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG TODAY???? WHAT WAS GOING ON IN HIS HEAD TONIGHT?????  SO I was at my wits end and I screamed I am gonna pull my hair out over this!!!  Greg comes in and picks Kal up and tells him, fine come out here and lay with me (in the living room).   I swear I saw this huge SMIRK on my childs face... WTF?

UGH I seriously have NOOOOOOOOOOOO idea what just happened..... :(

Sometimes you just need to vent

I can't help myself today.  I have to vent.  Its been one of those days.  Ive been tired ALL day.  I know most woman envy that I can be a stay at home mom and spend all day with my children and watch them grow.  I KNOW I am blessed with 2 beautiful children and I am soooo happy for that.  HOWEVER.  Today. I can't help but be frsutrated.  Today being home all day long with my children is more of a curse than anything.  I cant put Chloe down for one second today without her crying, altho she did sleep for almost an hour, it was while Kal was awake... when it was time to put Kal down for nap she was obviously tired and fell asleep on her own in her swing (it wasnt even moving at the time)  She started to wake up a bit so I move her to her bassinet, I am cleaning the kitchen which MAJORLY needs it, and I can hear her screaming.  I think I went in there about 10 times before I gave in and tried to feed her (it was close to 3 hours but not exactly since she had her last feeding)  I STILL hadnt had anything to eat for lunch for myself..... but i sit down and feed her and she drinks maybe an ounce and a half before she goes ballistic again and doenst stop.  I HAD to just put her in her bassinet and let her cry.  She is STILL crying as I type this.  I dont know what she wants, but WHY is it when I NEED some peace and quiet I DONT GET IT.  when I have NOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING to do she sleeps 3 hours straight.

Ok I am done complaining... lol.  Deep Breath..... might need to pop in an Aleve before I go back and get her tho!

Shadows

OMG.  We just experienced one of the biggest meltdowns of our 3 year old life today.....

So obviously I am speaking of Kalvin here.  So here is how the evening rolled.  Chloe got her bath in her tub, then when I got her dressed Kal helped himself and jumped in HER bathtub... lol... Well, I was planning on giving him a bath next anyway, so I got him out of the baby bath and got his bath started.... in the bath he was squirting me with a water gun, and I kept saying owww... so he tells me you dont have boo boo!  I said I do, and showed him a cut I had on my finger, which prompted him to INSIST on getting me a bandaid!  Then he was pretending to be a dog and give doggie kisses on my shoulder..... Anyway... when it was time to get out he jumps on out, runs out the door stark naked an no towel and starts acting goofy... runs back in the bathroom and shouts.... then runs out and keeps shouting and giggling after he shouts.... jumps ON the couch and jumps on the top of the couch.  I told him to stop that because I didnt want him to fall and get hurt.  Well.... he did it a few more times anyway.... then ALL of a sudden he started to cry... I mean total meltdown crying.  Tears streaming.......

He tells me... MY HAIR SCARY!  (his hair was sticking out everywhere still from his bath, and I guess he saw his shadow on the window curtains.....) I asked him if he was scared of the shadows and he said yes.  I told him they were JUST SHADOWS that they were HIS and could not hurt him, but he just continued to wale and wale and wale.

I have NO idea how this came about..... but I kinda laughed at first..... (BAD MOMMY!)  because it was kinda funny in a way.... but he just kept crying and crying even more so I gained my composure and tried to calm him..... Greg kinda didnt help either, he was playing madden at the time and kept yelling at him to stop crying and not to be scared but that didnt help!  It was a mess....  then he said he wanted his hair cut..... wow it was something else... I really wish I knew what brought this on..............

I felt so bad that I stayed in this room tonight till he fell asleep......

I am a worrywart

I am blogging because Facebook is acting goofy and there was noone online to talk to in order to pass my time away and possibly keep me sane while I sit here and wonder what the reason is that Greg is not home yet, not answering his cell, and not at his work desk.  He could be in a meeting and therefore no reason to worry but he usually is off work by 4pm and its 520 and if he is in a meeting it was last minute because yesterday I knew AHEAD of time, like the day before.... that he would not get out of work till 5.  Today, I have NO idea whats going on and at this point its PAST 5 too.  I do not know what to do right now for I am about to lose my marbles.......